Thursday, December 16, 2010

dear ____,

I have long awaited our reunion, and after much anticipation, I must say that I feel refreshed and hopeful.
The time is finally right.
A positive energy has been rekindled.
You'll find that I will seldom type of past events-- not for reasons of avoidance, but for the sake and new practice of "mindful thinking". Bear with me in this new-age endeavor.
The action of "mindful thinking" is to take in each moment as it comes. To soak in your surroundings, to become the observer you once were...
that is until you lost yourself as a spill on a sidewalk, or yesterday's crumpled up newspaper.
People have a tendency to accept the world at face value-- categorize it and then move on-- this vicious cycle has led me to become an anxious person, feel restless, and experience the bad kind of depression [meaning, the kind which I do not enjoy and/or become more productive from].

Instead of experiencing these negative emotions [which are currently driving my life] and resulted in an unsuccessful self-medication period -- I need to simply take each moment as it comes to me. I need to take a step back, breathe, and notice the beauty of 'now' and how I have long since appreciated the act and feeling of NOW.
Call it therapy babble, but is it not true that my mind has been in past or future thought auto-pilot for the past x number of years? It is unnecessary to keep my mind behind doors that have been closed, or doors that may never be opened.
If I dwell in the past and continuously plan and obsess of the future, when will I actually live my life?

I plan on starting now.

If I conquer each moment, and those moments turn to days, I will be that person you once knew. The person who observed, read books, studied, paid attention to detail and WANTED to do all of those things at all times of the day! The person who would sit in a restaurant til sunrise, drinking coffee and chit-chatting, people-watching and wondering. The person who would go to the library and pick up a book about any topic of interest. I used to look forward to conversation, coffee and learning -- not numbness.
I don't want to feel numb anymore, I want to feel alive.
With you by my side, [and a lover + a wonderful son] there isn't a better time to start doing so than now.

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